Submitted by yoinkie on Mon, 04/18/2011 - 11:20pm
The fallowing conversation wouldnt have taken place if it wasnt for the lovely Ms. Smitten24 and her highdea: http://highdeas.com/world-business/That_Bug
Anyways, I sometimes have conversations with inanimate objects, and now a spider. Most of the time its just gibberish, but sometimes I learn valuable life lessons, for instance about the beauty of life and the beauty of death. I went to my backyard yesterday and saw a spider, and this is how it went down:
Me: Eek, a spider!
spider: Eek, a human!
me: Eek, a talking spider!!!!
spider: Holy shit, you can hear me? You must be high as shit dude!
me: HA, guilty. Wait... do you... do you wanna get high?
spider: You read my mind DARLING!
10 minutes and 2 bowls later....
me: Man, your cool as shit spider. Do you have a name?
spider: well, since spiders dont talk, its kinda pointless having a name if no one is ever going to say it.
me: Whoa, thats super sad, dude. Im going to give you a name. From now on, you shall be named Charlotte! and the web your sitting in is called Charlotte's Web! HAHAHAHA
Charlotte: Haha, your clever. Im gonna call you...WILBUR! :D :D :D
wilbur: YEAAAAHHHHH!!! WAIT, no! Are you going to have babies and die? Thats what happened in the book, Charlotte had her babies and than she died! You cant die on me Charlotte, you just cant!
Charlotte: Naw, chill out dude, thats not gonna happen for a long ass time. I havent even had babies yet!
Wilbur: ya ok, I guess thats good, we still have time. But Charlotte, your going to have babies, but they arent even going to stick around and hang out with you! what a shitty bunch of kids.
Charlotte: Thats just how life works with us, man. If you smoke another bowl and blow it on me, ill tell you all about it.
Wilbur: FUCK YES.
another bowl and 5 minutes later....
Charlotte: So I says to him "hey buddy! thats not my penis, thats my fifth leg!" hahahahaha. Anyways, what the hell were we talking about before?
Wilbur: You were gonna tell me how you put up with working your whole life for the one moment you have kids, and when you do, they just bail on you!
Charlotte: Its the way of life, man. If all the kids stay with me, theres no way I can protect them all. And if they stay with me, they wont learn anything for themselves. Us spiders are loners, man. We just need to hit the road alone. Find our own corners, build are own webs.
Wilbur: well, I dont agree with it, but I understand you man. I get it. Spiders have a shitty life, man. Im not gonna lie to you...ive probably killed a few of your brothers.
Charlotte: Yea, ive seen what you do. You leave my dead comrades laying around. Not cool man, not cool.
Wilbur: shit... about that... fuck, this is awkward.
Charlotte: HAHAHAHA, im messing with you, man. Its all good, theres plenty more of us where that came from :-D
Wilbur: NO man, its not all good. I always found you guys pretty disgusting for no reason. I guess, I never really took the time to really get to know you guys. Your alive, just like I am. Just because you creep me out doesnt mean I should kill you. Im so sorry, man. Doesnt that suck? People kill you all the time, never really giving you a chance. Isnt it scary knowing that death is right around the corner for you at any moment?
Charlotte: Death can be around the corner for anyone, man. Not just spiders. You could get hit by a car tommorow! who knows
Wilbur: Whoa, dude your so right.
Charlotte: The way I look at it... Life is a beautiful circle. you arent given life as a "right", your given it as a gift. If you keep worrying about your death, you might miss out on your life. Im not saying dont be cautious... im saying, live everyday like it was created especially for you. There is nothing you cant attempt today. Hey you might fail, but failing is as big a part of life as winning.
Wilbur: you speak beautiful words, Charlotte. Im with you on that. Life is... beautiful. But you know what isnt beautiful? Death. Death, fucking sucks.
Charlotte: but isnt it? We are all part of the never ending wheel, man. The wheel of life. It connects us all. We all die. Every single day, your dieing. But you know what? Every single day, your changing. If you could live forever, What would motivate you to get out of bed? You would think "ah fuck it, im gonna live forever. no point in doing anything today". Death...makes you live. It drives you, it motivates you. Its what makes today, this hour, this minute, this SECOND... so special.
Wilbur: Wow, man. Death...is beautiful. Your my favorite spider ever, Charlotte. You can lay your 1,000 spider eggs in my backyard any day.
Charlotte: Thank man, I was going to do it with or without your permission anyway. Haha
Wilbur: Haha, jerk! Well, I gotta get going Charlotte... so uh, where do we go from here?
Charlotte: Just keep doing your thang man, and Ill keep doing mine. Come by whenever you want and smoke me out again! oh and do me a favor? Lay off the bug spray homie. Your scaring all the bugs away, AKA my MUNCHIES.
Wilbur: ohhh no man, I didnt mean to do that to you! Alright done, no more bug spray. I just have one last question for you man, its been bugging me my whole life...is it true that on average 6 spiders crawl into your throat while you sleep each year?
Charlotte: haha, do you really want to know the answer to that?
Wilbur: HAha, good point dude. Until next time, Charlotte. Give me a high five! er, high EIGHT!