A cosmic pain so old, it goes back to the birth of the soul and the first remnants of the I and my individuality.

I have a fear of opening up and connecting with people, more precisely, going back further to the root, a fear of loosing connection. This fear plays out through this Life but dates back to the beginning. To the birth of the soul and of individual consciousness. A time where an oceanic sense of oneness existed with the pure divine consciousness of what God is, and a sense of being torn away from home, loosing connection to home. All be it there was a reason the soul I AM decided to experience this individuality, for there was a sense of Adventure and Creativity at play.

That was the birth of the soul I AM, even within the individual soul, there is a sense of an individual, the i, within the soul, within consciousness, the Am. (there is another I AM after this I AM)

That sense of fear of loosing connection still exists today. As a child, going to kindergarden I cried everyday, there was a sense of loosing connection with my parents. It did not help that the teacher would sit me on her lap, in front of the class to try to calm me down. being that young self judgment did not exist within me at that time, so it was all right.

That was the first experience of loosing connection to Love in this Life, but certainly not the last.

At the age of eight, my father died, I turned away from the world and all connections. I fell silent in my being. Soon after I lost connection with my extended family, my fathers brothers and sisters. He was the youngest of ten, when needing them, they were not there, in fact they played the role of antagonists. Now from this perspective, it was only a role they played, just like we played the role of protagonists. When you transcend both you are in a state of Peace, a state of Love, a state of Awareness.

At the age of 12, I went through a period of loss of connection with the friends I had. By the time I was 13, I had no friends. I had people who would act a friend, but when i speak the word friend I mean it only in its truest sense, there were none of those. I was by myself.

At 13 entering highschool, by myself, alone, i entered into a state of unaware depression. Soon thereafter I started to loose connection with my brother, who is two years younger then I.

At 16 I went to Fiji. There, I experienced Heaven on Earth. A sense of home, a sense of family, a sense of Love, and the feeling and a glimpse of the soul as part of the divine. It all made sense there, that this is what life truly is. All the experiences in the past played a role, to amplify to make very clear to me that this is how life IS. Even though I wasnt conscious of it at the time

The next year of my life, I was out of school, just mulling about. I dont really remember it. At 17 and 18 years old, I was going back to school, in the adult system. I enjoyed it immensely, thinking this is how school should be.

At 19 entering 2010 the forces of the universe kicked into high gear, the acceleration of consciousness begun. In 2001 i was 11, I had turned 11 11 days earlier on the 1st.

On the morning of September 11th before heading to school I would usually get some cartoons in. For some reason I changed it to CNN. I was an 11 year old boy in Canada, I didnt give a fuck about CNN, but the divine in me changed it to it. --I do not know why I put this in here, but I have been getting sync's so this is what I do.--

Now getting back to loss. I have not completely "overcome" it in my consciousness. I have another brother, younger than me by 4 years and 20 days. Our connection, our relationship, is not gone, not none existent, but it is not fully developed, it is murky.

In this new awareness of mine, my brother is none believing of it. He is steadfast in his ways of the old. Some people come into this life with the intention to prove they cannot change, so him remaining the way he is, in not expanding, is exactly the experience he as a soul needs. So in reaffirming the not changing, in this, he is exactly accomplishing his souls experience, so in not growing he is growing. (I allowed my brother to read this part before submitting it.)

Now the relationship with my mother. For the longest time it had been a contentious one. I had had resentment towards her, I had had a negative belief about her.One day in talking with my mother, going back into the past, I gained a new perspective, this is Time Traveling through consciousness. Sitting on the couch across from me, I literally felt the change in my heart. The person that had been sitting across from me, was not the same person anymore. No more resentment in my Heart, there is nothing but Love for her in that moment and now.

In this time of rapid development of consciousness, the relationship with my mother the connection with my mother is rapidly developing.In fact, the relationship my mother has with herself is growing. She has begun to ask herself. She had told me the other day, she asks herself "why do i get so angry". This is her soul being, beginning to question the idea of the individual within. The i within the I.

If my mom is starting to do this to question herself, some of you out there gotta start doing it too.

Several days ago, I experienced something that brought all this out. The literal girl of my dreams came and sat across from me, but the fear within stopped me from talking to her.

Imagine it, THE GIRL I HAVE DREAMED OF, sits across from me. Now I do not dwell on what could have been. She has given me this experience, this ability to question myself. To get in touch with my inner self, to shine the light of consciousness within, so I can understand my thoughts, my beliefs, and my feelings. Not so much to overcome them, rather to progress naturally to understand them, so I can grow and expand, and evolve to become a whole person, and on my way to become a wholeistic being.

This Life like all lives, past and future, is for the purpose of expanding. That is what I do at this moment.

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Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:30am


Wed, 02/22/2012 - 1:08pm

You have opened up to everyone that reads this. Knowingly or unknowingly on your part, people will connect to this story. By baring your soul like this, hopefully you have overcame any lingering fear inside. Thank you for sharing.

Thu, 02/23/2012 - 9:00pm
GanjaKhan Says:
Mon, 04/16/2012 - 12:51am

This shits good. Real good
Your going on my profile page.

Thu, 04/19/2012 - 4:55pm
joebreezy Says:

I love it, everyones bein all professional and then cornholio: "shits good man. Real good."
Ha made my day.

But yea by far one of the best things I've read in awhile. Really makes you think about stuff.

Fri, 04/20/2012 - 6:24pm
RiverSong Says:

When you spoke about the relationship with your mother, I completely understood what you meant. For the longest time, my mother and I always fought even though I wasn't sure why. Then one day in high school, the anger was just gone. It was amazing to finally have a relationship with my mom that didn't include fighting.

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 3:30pm
bakayurei Says:

this is weird, man.. really weird.. i've shared much of your life and your experiences with you.. haven't been as successful about incorporating some of them into my psyche as you seem to have been, tho .. .. given me a lot to think about, thanks

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 11:12pm
yoinkie Says:

For whatever reason, you have a deeper connection with feelings and emotions than most. I think 99.99% of the people who see their dream girl, and not talk to her would live with regret. But instead, you allowed that oppurtunity to enlighten you, open up your thoughts and your subconscious to yourself. I envy you man, you have such a great grasp on life.

Sun, 04/22/2012 - 11:18pm
Lukee_S Says:

oh my god, i felt like i just watched a movie about your life. but i was honestly expecting a movie style ending. you know, you acually go up and talk to the girl of your dreams.
you could honestly be a writer or film maker if you incorperate your life into everything like this.
my hat is off to you my friend.

Mon, 04/23/2012 - 1:07am
JK4711 Says:

I got so into this that i dropped my banana on the rug. damn