I've heard people say that the first person you think of in the morning and the last person you think of before going to sleep is the cause of your happiness. What these people fail to realize is that, the reason for this is because they have someone in their life that makes them happy. For me, the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of before I go to sleep is the cause of all my pain.

Its happened before, mind you, and i'm sure it will happen again. But today, right now, this moment, feels like the worst moment of my life. I have this constant feeling of wanting to shout "FUCK IT" as loud as I can, but this feeling is suddenly overcome by the thought that no matter how hard I yell, it wont be loud enough. I feel like I cant possibly endure this particular day, and that it will be the final downfall of me. If only I could talk to the me of tomorrow, I think he would say something along the lines of, "You stupid bastard, how do you keep forgetting that your personal record for getting through tough days is 100% so far? get over your damn self". The funny thing is, Future Ryan could probably tell me that, and still not effect my mood in a positive way whatsoever. This here is my sappy life story of love, one so annoyingly cliché that I don't expect anyone to read it. Hell, I probably wont read it either. But for some reason, I feel like typing it just the same. Hi, I'm Ryan, and i'm currently suffering from a broken heart.


I don't necessarily believe in growing up. Scientifically, yes, I realize our body grows and matures, as do our memory banks and our emotional acceptance of the world. But other then that, no, I don't necessarily believe in growing up. It seems to be a fad that everyone buys into. I remember hearing an experiment that was done on a group of five monkeys. These monkeys were placed in a room with nothing but each other, and a ladder. On top of the ladder sat a delicious bundle of bananas. Every time a monkey climbed up the ladder, the scientist conducting the experiment would soak the rest of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, every time a monkey went up the ladder, the rest of the monkey would shake the ladder and beat him up upon his fall. In no time, no monkey dared to climb the ladder no matter how great the temptation was. Scientists then decided to replace one of the monkeys with a new one. The first thing this new monkey did was climb the ladder and go for those delicious, untouched bananas. Immediately the other monkeys shook the ladder and beat him up. After several beating, the new monkey too learned, never to climb the ladder, even though he never knew why. A 2nd monkey was substituted and the same thing occurred. The 1st replacement monkey even joined in on the beating, even though he was never soaked with the cold water. A 3rd monkey, then the 4th were too changed. The same repeating happened, with all the monkeys new and old joining in. Finally, the final monkey was substituted for a new one, who then tried to climb the ladder to the bananas. The same beating occurred, even though all four monkeys had never been soaked, and had no clue as to why the ritual beating occurred.

The scientists continued to rotate the monkeys out for new ones, and the same beating kept occurring, and resulted in no monkey daring to climb the ladder, even though they knew of no such repercussions that would result, and none of these monkeys had ever been soaked with cold water(or anything for the matter). A scientist then posed the question, if they could talk to one of the monkeys in the room now and ask them why no one climbs the ladder, what would they say? "I don't know- that's how things have always been around here."

Our society is the systematic formation of a set of rules that we probably don't even completely agree with, but follow along "just because that's how its always been". Hi, my name is Sarah, and I refuse to believe that I have to grow up. All I want to do, is climb the ladder and eat my Banana's.


There are a few different versions of me, all tied into a nice bundle, painted over with a thick layer of skin, and displayed on a moving pedestal for all the world to see. No, I don't believe in schizophrenic, or at least not in the literal sense of the word. I just seem to go through different phases in my thinking, as i'm sure most people do. The problem is, when im in this current state of sadness and loneliness, the outside world seems completely foreign to me and my sadness has convinced me that no one understands anything I have to say, and I am completely alone and will forever be this way. All that is completely OK, as it just seems to have waves of emptiness that come and go. The real kicker, the real asshole of a feeling, is that feeling that you are not good enough. I wish I could somehow convince myself that I'm damn good enough, and the reason it didn't work isn't me, but that it was her that was full of crap.

And the reality of the situation is, that that's exactly how it is. Her insecurities, her unwillingness to break down her walls or really ever let me in; rather just take a peak occasionally, to keep my interesting from waining. It was me who kept asking her what was wrong, and not giving up even after her repetitive, "Nothing. don't worry." First of all, people who say nothing is wrong are completely full of crap; something is always wrong, no one is ever right, and even if they are, it doesn't take long to look around long enough to find something wrong. Why don't people just say "something is wrong, but I really don't have the courage to talk about it." Wouldn't that make conversations simpler? what if I believe that nothing is wrong when something is in fact wrong, then get the complete brunt of retaliation for not caring enough to figure out what was wrong. I feel like people create mind games because they run out of interesting things to say, or simply because they have the power to toy with someone's emotions, and that potential power is too great of an urge not to fuck with.

Sometimes, I simply don't fucking understand a thing about the human race. I simply have mere glimpses of knowing.


My mother told me that my dream to be a writer is a waste of time, and that it wouldn't make me any money or any resemblance of a comfortable life. She never even read anything I wrote, and simply dismissed my passion as a passing hobby. How messed up is that? At moments I am completely flaberghasted how little someone even as close to me as my mother could care so little about a dream of mine. But in other moments, I'm completely satisfied that she is my mother, and I can overcome her bullshit and still do me. And other times, I'm just glad she wasn't Ernest Hemingway's mom.

I expect others to resent the things I do; they don't know me quite well, or maybe the way they got to know me is a path that has led them to believe I am in fact worthless, or not good enough. I'm sure we have all done it, gotten to know someone in completely the wrong manner. Only exploring parts of their brain that didn't scare us, or only opening up parts of our brain we knew they would accept, or the very least, not reject. We can choose to be anything and display ourselves as anyone to any person we meet. It is simply our choice of how we want to represent ourselves to others.

The moments I struggle with is when we truly make a concerted effort to represent the whole of ourselves to someone, and they simply choose not to accept it. Or they do, but they just do not understand it. It gives you moments inside of your head where you are left wondering, "What the fuck is wrong with this person? I'm so completely easy to read. Why cant they just figure me out?" You swear to yourself that you didn't hold anything back, nor did you leave out any important parts. Yet they still remain clueless as to who you really are.

I struggled with this thought often, until one day I really got to thinking about it. Sometimes, humans are just incapable of deciphering anything at all, even ourselves. Really think about it for a second; do you even know who you really are? Do you know what each one of your dreams means, and why you have them when you do? Or your nightmares? I'm guessing the answer to that is no, and that most of the time you have no fucking clue what any dream means. So essentially, does that not mean that even you do not understand yourself? Because all your dreams really are, is your subconscious trying to communicate with you in the only way it knows how. If you were to sit down and really ask your subconscious, "Hey little fella, what the fuck do you mean?" I am quite certain that if your subconscious was fully aware of you and able to speak to you, it would say, "What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm so completely easy to read. Why cant you just figure me out?" The day I realized this, was a day I blew my own mind. It was a day that I learned everything. Coincidently, it was the same day that I learned that I knew nothing.

I think that we should appreciate everything about each other, that even if we don't think they will achieve their particular dream, there is no possible reason to try and stop it, or de-rail it in anyway. How can we not assist each other in any way to getting to the dreams we have? Why is it that so few people really care about the potential of others, if it doesn't have any positive impact on themselves?

Sometimes, I simply don't fucking understand a thing about the human race. I simply have mere glimpses of knowing.


At the end of the day, I do understand that I don't need someone else to be happy. I can live a completely happy and satisfying life for myself. But I know, that I am the best version of me when I'm in love. I care more not only about myself, but someone else; someone not connected to me in anyway other then this imaginary waves of emotions that we interpret as love. We were born completely alone in this world, and once we were detached from our mothers umbilical cords, never again would we be physically attached to anything for the rest of our lives.

Sure, we can imagine that we are attached to our planet, and that it will never leave us. But that is just an optimistic understanding of gravity. Still, it makes us feel safer knowing that our planet and we are connected. I imagine this is why our eyes choose to flip what they are seeing for us. A little known fact is that our eyes actually see the world upside down(well, our interpretation of upside down) and our eyes actually flip the image for us before sending it to our brains as visuals. Why do you think that is? I feel its the same reason that a mother holds its kids in its arms, below it, instead of holding it above it; the same reason that an authority figure will come over the top of you to talk and look down. It shows dominance, but at the same time, makes us feel comfortable to be below. Can you imagine if the world was above us, and the sky below? Would we be in love with space and travel and feel comfort from the clouds below, and feel threatened by the ground above? Or would our complete understanding of our universe and ourselves change completely? I cant fathom a reasonable answer to this question, as it seems hard to contemplate something you are incapable of contemplating.

From the beginning of human history, we have done everything we can to come closer to one another. The overwhelming fear of being alone is also the major reason for all of human innovation, exploration, and scientific advancements. We created fire because we feared what was beyond our vision at night, and it also allowed us to see the faces we had grown accustomed to seeing. We ventured off to find others like us, and create communities and bonds with each other. We created transportation so we could reach each other faster. We created scientific theories and explanations so we could get a better understand of each other, and things that are not us. We want to know...because we fear not knowing. What is the meaning of life? Well if you follow along this dialog of mine, can we not deduce the meaning of life is not to be alone?

I know I am completely capable of being happy by myself. But sometimes, it just feels good to lay down and hug the earth for a little while.


I was walking down the street the other day when I noticed a puddle. I looked around and noticed no one was around me, so I ran towards the puddle and jumped into it, splishing and splashing away.

I sometimes write letters to strangers that ive never met, simply because I can and I feel that everyone in this world deserves a hand written letter once in a while. I don't give them a return address, and tell them to just write a letter to someone they think deserves one.

I like to think about the strangers I see on the street, and create complete stories of them. Some are funny individuals, some are sarcastic, some have cats, and some like to draw trees and flowers and other pretty things. No matter what they are doing or where I imagine them to be going, they are all completely happy.

I once saw a youtube video where someone set up a microphone and podium in time square, and wrote a note telling them to share their love with the world. Many stopped by and said nice things about the people walking around. I thought this was a nifty idea, so I decided to try it myself. I took a microphone and podium to a crowded park and set it up in a welcoming place. On the podium, I leave a message that reads, "What makes you angry?" I then go and blend in with the crowd and see if anyone approaches my podium. Most people ignore it, and pass it by without even a glance. But some stop to express their opinions. Some say there jobs. Some say some people they know. Others say they hate what the world is becoming, or what we are doing to it without a care. Some get really emotional, and I can see their love in their eyes. Most people standing around watch for moments, then continue on with their busy lives. But some stop dead in their tracks, and listen to the passion coming through the speakers set up next to a podium they had never seen before. Aquariums mistreat animals for the amusement of visitors. Most are kept in small habitats, where once they roamed in Oceans free. This pisses off quite a few people standing around, and soon they gather into a group and start talking about what they could do to help stop this.

Its nice to let people know the good things about them, it brings joy to their hearts. But we must also remember that anger can be one of the strongest tools imaginable, if used properly. Some people are shy and quiet, but if you tell them something they strongly disagree with, they will wake up and rise out of the shadows with a fire in their eyes. I feel like we could change the world, if only we were a little more angry about what's happening to it. Instead, we choose to be docile.

I tried to be normal once. It sucked. I tried to follow the rules of life and be orderly, and polite, and do the things that people thought I should do. It sucked. A child can run through a mall shouting and singing and dancing, and no one thinks anything of it. But when a 24 year old girl named Sarah does it, suddenly everyone has to stop and stare at the lunatic. Why is that? Is it because we feel that children are too stupid at that age, and soon they will grow out of it and become normal? Or is it that we all secretly wish we could be that screaming child, but we are so systematically programmed to be this certain way, that we wouldn't dare be anything else. And when a 24 year old girl named Sarah does it, they should stop and stare in disappointment and shock like everyone else.

I know there are others out there that are like me, there just has to be. This world is far too large for there not to be. But sometimes, I feel utterly alone in my ways. Some days I dream of creating a space ship and just lifting off into the great unknown up above. I want to be alone with just my thoughts, and write stories about the stars and the nebulas and the planets I see wiz past my rocket ship window. I feel so distant from the people around me, that some days I am convinced that this is the only place I can go to be completely normal and have no one resent me for it. But at the same time, I fear that the loneliness may be the death of me. Its not that I cant be satisfied with just my own company, but I feel that sharing an experience like that with someone else would make that experience more of an experience. I also feel like I would miss walking around, and the gravity provided by our dear friend, Mr. earth. I think it settles it; one day I will fly off into the dark abyss on a rocket ship most likely built for one. But for today, I think I will enjoy the earth for a little while.

I know I am completely capable of being happy by myself. But sometimes, it just feels good to lay down and hug the earth for a little while.


This story is too long to make into just one post, so I decided to break it up. If it peaks any ones interest, let me know and I shall post the next part. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far! And let me know what you think in the comments below!


Fri, 10/18/2013 - 2:15pm
TenaciousD Says:

I'd rather read what's next on Synchronicity but this was good

Sun, 10/20/2013 - 5:06pm

I would love to read what comes next, please post :)

Tue, 10/22/2013 - 8:17pm
smokelax Says:

Sarah follow your dream become a writer i would gladly by a book you wrote

Sun, 10/27/2013 - 5:28pm

I love these stories you write and i will always read them if i have the time i cant wait for the second part...These stories of yours just change my view on the day completely i want more of the philosophical and thought provoking stories because they make my day better man

Mon, 11/04/2013 - 2:06am

Though I hope you get over your feelings of loneliness, I regret to inform you that day will never come. As you've mentioned above no one can truly understand you for the way you are, no matter how hard you try to explain or justify the actions and emotions you feel. People will always think differently from you, no matter what you say their interpretation of your words make up your story, making your explanations and justifications a bit pointless. Seeing as they've just spent all that time listening, but not hearing what you truly have to say. You will always be alone in the fact that, at the end of the day no one will try to understand you as much as you want to understand yourself, thereby making you alone. I mean fair enough, you'll always have company but you will never fulfill that feeling of being lonely. But know even though I am half way around the world in a little place China, I feels you, bro.

Mon, 11/18/2013 - 1:14am
Vishkala Says:

Your posts always get to me in the best of ways, this one in particular, I sincerely hope you finish it.

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