Ive never been a big fan of the term “broken heart”. Some people think that having someone not return your love would lead to a heart that is broken, but its actually quite the opposite. My heart goes into overdrive when that happens, and there is nothing broken about it. I am full of feelings, and thoughts, and emotions, and it sometimes it feels as though I cant handle all the feelings going through my heart and my soul. There is nothing broken about this heart, quite the opposite really; my heart is determined to let me know that its working and its alive, and it wants me to know that Im alive. I sometimes forget how much I can feel this way, that I can evoke emotions so powerful within me that it sometimes becomes crippling and brings me to my knees.

Hello dear reader, its good to see you again. I truly hope that the time that has passed since we last spoke has been spent exactly the way you wanted it to be spent. Whether it was spent finding passion, or if it was spent playing video games and watching tv. People like to tell you that life should be lived a certain way, when in reality life should be spent doing exactly what you feel like doing, whenever and wherever.

I hope you don’t feel that I only come around talking to you when i’m depressed, or lost or confused. I don’t mean it to be that way. Its just that I know that you will be there for me, when times are tough and I cant seem to find solace in being. It may seem silly to think that you, a complete stranger I know nothing of, can mean so much to me, but you do. I cant seem to understand myself within myself, and sometimes I just need to write my way out of things. It probably sounds circular mixed with pointless chains of thoughts, and in all actuality, it probably is. But sometimes, something completely wonder ends up happening, and I learn more about my self then I thought I could. This may be one of those times, and it may not; we haven’t gotten that far yet. Would you like to go along with me on this ride?

I think I fell in love when I was 15 years old. I say I “think” because that was so long ago, and I barely knew what love even was back then. She was standing in front of school after it was over one day. It was one of those moments that I couldn’t look away from her, no matter how hard I tried. I just basked in that moment for as long as I could, knowing full well that I may never see her again. If that was to be the case, I wanted to embrace that moment and be in it for as long as I could.

Over the next year or so, these encounters happened often and after some time, I finally got the nerve to go and say hello. A year may seem like an extrenuatingly long time to work up the courage to say hello to someone, but that’s the kind of shy and scared person I was back then. I had myself convinced that the basic life I had built for my self was more than I needed; there is security and comfort in not taking risks, you know? You can’t possibly get hurt if you don’t even attempt to try. If you love the contempt that life gives you day by day, than you can be perfectly happy choosing this existence. But still, there was something inside of me that knew something amazing could happen if I chose to put myself out there.

I made friends with her friends so I could get closer to her; the easier way would have to just go up to her and say hi, but this was by far the safer choice. This way, there would be no way of her knowing I was in love with her or even hinting at the possibility that I liked her. That was an absurdly scary route to take for a 16 year old who second guessed every decision he ever tried to make and lived inside the perfect bubble of comfort.

I remember the first time I called her. I wrote out 10-15 topics I could talk to her about and made bullet points, and sub points, and had a chart of what to talk about and how to jump from one topic to the next. I put more effort into that chart then I did in most of my school work. She picked up the phone and I proceeded to completely lose my shit and utter random noises and idiotic statements. I was close to throwing away the phone and pretending it never happened, until somehow she made me realize there really was nothing to be scared of. Im sure you have experienced “perfect” conversations, where the talks keep flowing, with perfectly spaced laughing fits and deep ponderings and non-awkward moments of silence which allowed you to get clarity. That was how it was always like with her, from that first actual conversation until, well, now.

I’m going to skip telling you about the next two years of highschool because I’m sure we both have better things to do then to hear some guy over the internet tell you about his awkward ways with women. I got close to actually dating her on numerous occasions. very close. But something would always end up being weird, or not working, or just…fuck I don’t know how to describe it really. Looking back on it now, it felt like I was sabotaging myself because I was so damn chicken shit to actually let something amazing happen. We were best friends, she knew I liked her “more then a friend”, I knew it, and im sure all of our friends knew it too. Sometimes Im surprised that nothing actually came to fruition back then, but then I remember that I was a scared wuss who never actually asker her out “in that way”. I was so happy just to have moments with her that I didn’t dare mess anything up. Skipping class and going to the beach. Driving around squirting water guns at strangers. Going across the street, eating one slice of pizza each and sitting talking for the other 2 hours. We both ended up working at the same safeway, it was actually her that got me off my lazy ass and commited to a real job.

I guess you can tell by now that this is one of “those” posts, and if you are still here with me, then you and I probably share more things in common than we thought we would. Or maybe you are just sticking with me to find out if there is a happy ending to this tale or not. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but reading the first paragraph of this letter might have been foreshadowing of things to come.

We went to the same college, too. Still gun shy, but learning more about love and the mysterious female creature by this point. She started dating someone, which was crushing. I started dating other people too, and while it wasn’t a lie of a relationship by any means, I always knew something felt missing throughout all the other girls. I’ve since been in and out of love numerous times, with different characters playing the leading female role, and there have been many moments of pure love. 7 years passed, and as time has the habit of doing, I forgot more and more about her as we started drifting our different ways. She would still have the uncanny ability of sending me a random text or phone call within days of me thinking about her. I never figured out how she was able to sense that I was thinking about her. I moved to a different city which was two hours away, and our story seemed like it had reached its anti-climactic conclusion. Still, there were those once in a blue moon texts or phone calls. We would randomly catch up, and talk about the people in our lives and the relationships we were building.

Cue to three months ago. The main male character in this story is living in Seattle, and the heroine in Vancouver Canada. 14 months without any form of connection, she finds me on facebook and asks me what my new number is. She was coming down for a football game and said she would love to see me. I soon after found out she had recently gotten out of a semi long relationship. I was excited to see her, but at the same time felt my nervous ways coming back to me. It didn’t make any sense, because I was such a different person than I use to be. I had already learned what choosing to live a comfortable life style had gotten me, and had been breaking down the massive walls I had built around my self for years. I was getting better at what my interpretations of a good life were, and I was truly happy with the progress I was making within my heart and soul.

This next part sucks because its so fresh, so I’m choosing to give you the TL;DR version: We became closer then ever, she was more amazing than my memories of her told me, and we saw each other almost every weekend over a couple of months period. But still, I couldn’t pull the trigger. For reasons I can’t understand, I fell into my old ways again. And here I am sitting here, typing this overly wordy letter to you, having just spent another amazing weekend with her but again unable to show her what my true feelings for her are.

Ive never been a fan of the term “broken hearted”. My heart isn’t broken, rather it is showing me a completely different chamber of it that I rarely knew existed. This chamber is full of missed moments and oppurtunities that slipped away. My heart, all of it, feels empty. Its a sinking feeling that comes and goes in waves throughout the day.

I know what you’re thinking; this is sort of a “cool story bro” and in many ways an ok problem to have. My life is full of happiness that comes from many different angles; be it through friends, family, random encounters, and other pieces of my soul that I am finding in this world. People in this world have it much, MUCH worse than I do. I like to remind myself of that as often as I can, that I am truly blessed to have what I have. The fact that I have a home, a career, and a computer to type this one makes me better off then %90 of the world. Just today, millions of people have lost someone they love to death. Millions of others don’t know what they will eat tomorrow. And here I am, wallowing in my own pity at something that is completely in my control and a problem that I am fully aware of that I have created for myself.

Jackie Robinson use to say, that a life isn’t really worth anything unless it has an impact on others. I like to believe that I am living a life that my future self will be proud of. That I am doing good in this world, and making positive impacts on those who choose to have me around them. But that feeling, I just cant shake that feeling… that feeling that I know that I am a much better person when I am in love. Does a love need to be reciprocated to actually exist? Or is love like light; its happy just existing and travelling in a straight line without someone bouncing it back to any certain destination.

I’m sorry if you were expecting a better tale when you started reading this, and I apologize if nothing was taken out of this. But I want to thank you for being there, and for allowing me to type all of this. This feeling of emptiness makes me feel alive. Having something worth losing that makes you feel so much, is truly a wonderful thing. My soul feels lighter.

Thank you. I love you.

Made popular on: 
Sun, 07/12/2015 - 1:17am


Comments

 
Tue, 12/24/2013 - 2:42am
alltherage Says:
 
 
Sun, 01/19/2014 - 5:07am

Maybe you should just link her to this highdea. ;D

Thank you for this share. It sure hits home. As often your writing does.

 
 
Wed, 04/02/2014 - 6:36pm

This makes me want to call or text danica before i move to australia, as hard as it is to ask her out, i think you 2 are meant to be together, like she knows when you are thinking of her (i get that too, i think its your spirit guids letting her know how you feel) but you are the only one to take control of being with her, I had my time with the girl i was meant to be with only to have her taken from this world, but those few years will always be the most amazingly beautiful times of my youth, its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

 
 
Fri, 08/14/2015 - 9:49pm
TenaciousD Says:

I'm sorry for your loss. What you wrote really tugged at the old heart strings.

 
 
Mon, 05/12/2014 - 8:46am

That is the perfect title for this Yoinks. I've definitely been in a similar situation before. The only thing you can do and maintain your sanity longterm is to something. If you wait, eventually she will move on and then all you'll have left is a never ending supply of mental "what ifs". I hope you find exactly what you're looking for.

 
 
Sun, 12/28/2014 - 11:45pm
GnomeSane Says:

dude yall is still alive right now.
just do it,
do whatever it is you feel whenever the time is right wherever it is you may feel such freedom to be, happily.
whatever happens, happens.
and bro....nthis aint Nike but SERIOUSLY
Just Do It!

 
 
Thu, 06/04/2015 - 2:08am

Don't miss the opportunity to keep this happiness with her for the rest if your life. If she makes you feel this profoundly and brings this joy and happiness to your world, why would you not allow yourself to have it forever
?
She knows it, she knows how you feel, she wants it and the time apart allowed each one of you to grow up, form yourselves as adults... so now you have grown into the time to be together.
Don't let this be a regret in your life.

 
 
Thu, 06/04/2015 - 2:09am

Sorry, not my place.... to give thus advice. I'm just full of feelings when it comes to happy endings and soul mate coming together.

 
 
Mon, 06/29/2015 - 8:11am
radiculous Says:
 
 
Sat, 07/04/2015 - 3:59am
 
 
Sun, 07/12/2015 - 1:27am
GanjaKhan Says:

I really Love this man. I'm glad I came on, and I was the 30th vote

 
 
Wed, 07/15/2015 - 7:12pm
 
 
Sun, 07/26/2015 - 11:02pm

Haha right?
The fact that yoinkie is still hittin the popular page and he hasn't been posting

 
 
Fri, 08/14/2015 - 9:53pm
TenaciousD Says:

Ahhh... some familiar usernames! I used to be here under another name and pic. But I'm back and better than ever.

 
 
Wed, 07/15/2015 - 7:11pm

This was two years ago... I wonder ow it turned out..

 
 
Tue, 07/28/2015 - 1:06am
arealhiguy Says:

You need to get yourself a guitar and begin writing songs. Like you weed sometimes makes me need to express myself artistically overwhelming. I just wrote a song, and now I can just chill. I'd still be bouncing off the wall if I hadn't.

 
 
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Sun, 10/25/2015 - 6:57pm
aquarius90 Says:

Deep love feels amazing and painful sometimes. Sometimes we need a balance of both to humble our souls.

 
 
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