I didn't write this, it's an old standard.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right fucking number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

Anger management really does work.

Made popular on: 
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 10:40am


Sat, 12/22/2012 - 6:21am
Oxlo Says:
Sat, 12/29/2012 - 6:30pm
AdamOest Says:
Tue, 12/25/2012 - 12:12pm

laughters the best medicine!! this cracked me up:)

Sun, 01/06/2013 - 10:37pm
karojo Says:
Mon, 01/07/2013 - 4:10pm

lol , weeds the first huh ?
plus weed makes you laugh ..

so its like

1a. Weed
1b. Laughter

2. sex

Thu, 01/03/2013 - 3:03pm
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:08am
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:27am

if you read carefully it was the last 2 digits that were mixed up. the area code and first 3 digits determine the location and those were supposedly correct

Sun, 01/06/2013 - 12:04pm
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 12:15pm

I read "a black guy in a bmw" and thought this guys racist lol guess its me.

Fri, 01/04/2013 - 9:52pm
mindgames Says:
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 7:17pm
MINE Says:
Fri, 01/04/2013 - 8:50pm
Sat, 01/05/2013 - 9:10am
No_wayy Says:
Sat, 01/05/2013 - 11:02am
♫clay♫ Says:
Sat, 01/05/2013 - 6:36pm
connorhear Says:
Sun, 01/06/2013 - 10:31pm

wow, according to tommy chong's wikipedia page, he posts regularly on this site and the citations for it are a link to the OP's account. i never thought that this was actually the real tommy chong posting, lol. wikipedia could be full of shit, but if it's not then i would just like to say this: hey chong, what's up man? i love you.

Wed, 01/09/2013 - 8:45pm
Spiderclaw Says:

Loooooooooooooooooooooooled through most of the story

Wed, 01/09/2013 - 11:34pm
Mclazy Says:

hahahahaha longest joke I've read but the pay off was good:)