You will be constantly reminded of your short comings by the people who surround different aspects of your life. At work, there will always be someone who doesnt think you work hard enough; maybe because they dont pay enough attention to the work you do, or they think the work you put in is just insignificant as a whole. In relationships, there will be people who treat you less then your actual worth, and some people may take time out of their day to make you realize that your day isn't nearly as great as you may think it is. On the streets, people will look down on you, or ignore you completely. Your gestures of kindness may be ignored and you may be left wondering what more you could have done to get the attention of a certain someone.

You may be lead to believe that these people only exist for the sake of making others feel less of themselves because they want to feel better about themselves; instead of working harder, dreaming bigger, and risking more, they would rather remain in the exact spot they are at and demoralize your spot. By comparison, they now feel higher up, and get a certain fake sense of accomplishment, of being, and of happiness. Let them be who they are. Be greatful for who they showed themselves to be, because now you know exactly who you don't want to be. You will never realize that "greed" is not in your nature unless you see it unfold in front of your eyes, and understand the true nature of it. You will never understand the extent of "cruelty" unless you understand what it does to people, and how negatively it devours most, if not all, of their thoughts.

So many moments in our days are filled with empty happiness caused by distractions. It is in the still of the night, when the wind whispers and the moon send empty stares, that we truly begin to open up, to ourselves. I use to think the moments before bed were some sort of curse that my subconscious had put on me for no reason whatsoever. "Why do I think of the voids in my life? Why do I ponder about the wasted oppurtunities in the day I just had? Why do I remind myself of my defects, my flaws, why do I think about any of these things?" I found happiness in the distractions of the day. Rarely did I have moments of pure silence, silence which brings these "negative" thoughts through your mind. I'm always doing this, running to there, watching that show, watching her. there is always something to do, and its because of these distractions that I am able to block the rivers of thoughts which question me as a person. I have come to believe that someone can be truly happy with a life full of empty happiness; a moving mind is filled with moments of joy and distracted from the sadness and emptiness that would exist otherwise.

But... those nights. those lonely, bitter nights. they are fucking beautiful, if we allow ourselves to slow down enough and take these thoughts as tools of learning rather then blades of cruelty. Sometimes, we need our subconscious to let us know how shitty of people we really are. We can make no change, and desire to make no change, unless we see the reasons for why the change is neccessary. When we lay in our beds and stare at our ceilings, we are in essence, becoming an outsider looking in. "Why do you think of the voids in your life?" you ask yourself, as if asking a complete stranger and hoping for a response that you can wrap your head around. "Because" you whisper, "without realizing that these voids exist, we would never stir the pot of desire to actually fill them with something we find irristably delightful." "Why do you remind yourself of your defects, flaws, oh please tell me why you remind yourself of all these things?" You plead to your subconscious, hoping that it speaks, ACTUALLY speaks, and tells you something you have longed to hear. You can remain silent and keep dwelling on these flaws, or rather you can begin to formulate a plan to try and attempt to fix them. "Do you want to keep thinking about how shitty your love life is? Or do you want to think about how you are going to man the fuck up and talk to an actual girl for once?"

Your subconscious appears to be a cruel mistress in life, but in reality it is like the shadow that follows closely behind you; it takes every step you take, it climbs every ladder you climb, and it disapears every moonless night that you disapear. It has no mouth to speak, it only has these tactics. It screams at you at night, while you stare at that ceiling and wonder why you cant sleep even though you have to wake up for work in 5 hours. It has but one oppurtunity to show you its path to happiness in this waking life, for it fears that you may misunderstand it when it clearly shows you its methods of tranquility and peace in your dreams. Every dream you have is a decoded method that your subconscious has constructed to show you how it thinks you should be living. But alas, reality will soon come and open your eyes, and you may forget every lesson it intended on teaching.

People often say "you must first love yourself before you can love another". But I say, you must first hate yourself before you can truly understand a thing about you. I am broken hearted, but in these moments I truly believe my heart exists. I am lost and confused, but in these moments I understand where it is I want to go, and where I want to be. I am insecure and depleted, but in these moments I understand how far I am willing to go, and how much I am willing to fight, to achieve my dreams. Nothing comes easy, nothing should be easy. I feel small and insignificant, but in these moments I believe that I can be greater, I can be better, I can be more "me" than Ive previously be willing to. I am broken, battered, and overall incomplete....but in these moments, I know that I am actually alive.

These ideas are nothing new to either you nor I. But I felt the overwhelming urge to give myself an acceptance speech. Thank you, I love you.



Comments

 
Sun, 01/19/2014 - 4:53am
 
 
Fri, 02/21/2014 - 9:33am

Yoinkie, please marry this wonderful lady!

Forreal though, I loved this man. I thought you had moved on to greener pastures but I'm glad you didn't forget your roots homie. Keep posting shit like this and maybe we can recover from the great highdea depresssion.

 
 
Sat, 02/01/2014 - 12:10am
ununu Says:
 
 
Wed, 02/05/2014 - 6:54am
AlexT420 Says:

I've always loved your highdeas man, sometimes I won't come on for MONTHS, but specifically will read just your highdeas, good shit Yoinkie.

 
 
Thu, 09/08/2016 - 7:58pm
TenaciousD Says: