Submitted by hAMBERglar☮ on Mon, 11/28/2011 - 10:35pm
I've spent a couple days thinking of what happened to me the other night. I've been trying to gather my thoughts, make sense of things, rationalize with myself, find out the other side of the story, and talk to my friends about this. I've been trying to figure out the best way to explain to you the eternity of hell that I experienced a couple of nights ago.
(click to read more... this may be long.)
Let me start off by telling you that by this point of the night I had been drinking a bit with a few friends. I was back in town from college during Thanksgiving break and me and the girls were out drinking, dancing and having a good time. We got invited to a friend's house party and were there for a while when the people who came with us decided they were going to leave, but me and my best friend, Lindsey, decided to stay there and keep hanging out.
Now when I say best friend, I mean it. Her and I are always on the same level. I can talk to her about anything. I feel like we should have been sisters. I would do anything for her and I know she would do the same for me.
But, anyways, we were there when someone said they had some fake we could smoke. I only smoke natural now, but the kind they had, I had tried before so I didn't think anything of it. We went out to the garage to a small room that had some coolers to sit on. So it was me and Lindsey, the guy with the fake, and two other guys just came out with us so they could smoke a cig outside. Now I've smoked this fake before, but not out of a bong so this hit was MUCH larger than any hit I have had of it before. I took a huge rip, held it in, blew it out and that's when everything went irrational.
I'm looking at Lindsey and she's talking so fast that I can't understand her. But at the same time it seems like she's not finishing her sentences and is changing the subject constantly. I can't figure out if she's fucked up and not making sense or if I'm fucked up and can't make sense of her.
Now I realize that I don't see anyone else in the room with me except Lindsey. I can hear everyone's voices but I can barely make out words. I see her as if she's kind of far away, looking at me with a concerned look. She's talking to me, but I can't answer. I feel like we're in a whole different place. She seems kind of upset and I started feeling like she was talking for me. I had no control over my body and could only just sit there.
I see her talking to someone else but I don't know who she is talking to. Now I'm starting to feel like I'm not even there and that no one is paying attention to me. I am watching from outside of my body and everything seems to be carrying on as if I'm not there. I feel like I'm trying to yell. I'm trying to get them to notice me. I want to be heard. I don't want to be stuck in this hell anymore. I can feel it encompassing my whole being and forcing me into a tiny sphere. I felt like the whole world was crumbling on top of me and forcing me into a deep pit full of darkness. I couldn't see anymore. Only hear.
Lindsey says that at this point it was just her and one other person in the room and that they were really worried about me. She said that I was staring at a wall with no expression on my face and I wouldn't focus my eyes on anything and that she was yelling in my face and I wouldn't respond.
This is because I was now trapped in my own personal hell. It was dark and loud. Supposedly my eyes were open, but I wasn't using them. I could hear words sharp and loud but the words seemed to be spoken so quickly that I couldn't make sense at the same time. Instead of listening to the words themselves, I was listening to each individual sound that your mouth makes to form a word. It seemed like they were talking forever. Nonstop. Every once in a while I could make out my name. I could no longer feel my body and I felt like I was in a different place.
I started thinking that I actually died and this is what it felt like. I would be stuck forever listening and never able to voice myself again. I'm scared. I felt if I really was dead, everyone would be disappointed in me for doing this to myself. I wanted it to be over but I was trapped. Everything was getting louder and now they are screaming at me. It's so loud I want to cover my ears and scream for them to stop, but I have no ears anymore. I'm just a soul able to hear but not move. I tried to separate myself from the noise to make it more bearable.
Lindsey says that now she is holding my head up for me because I wasn't anymore and she was going to help me lay down on the ground. She admitted that I fell quicker to the ground than she could catch me.
It helped me though. Because I actually felt it. I FELT something again. But just a stir. I was still trying to get away from the noise. It made me retract from the noise. And I could see something again. But only a color. I could see red. It was like closing your eyes outside on a sunny day and you can see the reddish color behind your eyelids. This was different. Maybe this hell wasn't the same forever, after all. But I still don't like it. It is starting to hurt a little. I can hear them talking still. Close, but not loud. Maybe they know that it's hurting me to yell. I want them to help me. I need to get out of here. I can't do it on my own and I don't know how to ask. I hope they notice. I hope they don't leave me here forever. I want to see again. I want to feel and breath and run with the wind.
I heard Lindsey say that she was going to slap me. I knew it. I knew it wouldn't be painless forever. I knew it was going to start hurting. Hell hurts, right? Hell burns and this is going to be the start. I braced myself, as much as a girl without a body could, not knowing what direction it would come from. Not knowing if I would feel it or how bad it would hurt.
I felt it. It stung. But I wasn't back. I still couldn't see. I am bound to this eternal pit of hell for the rest of eternity.
No. I won't be forced to stay here. I could FEEL again. That means I must be alive. I must be able to rationalize with myself and get out of here. Just try to get up. MOVE. And I did. And then I could see again. There was my beautiful best friend watching over me. She showed me that I could feel still. She stirred my soul back awake, and I was able to realize I could move again.
She says I was only out of it about 10 minutes. And then all of a sudden I just looked at her and said "can we go inside now? I'm so over this"
I wish I was as normal on the inside. I went outside and tried to explain that I wanted to stay outside in the fresh air, that I didn't want to go to hell again. They had no idea what I was talking about and took me inside.
I don't remember when I decided to wander off, but I refused to stay inside. I went in the front yard and layed in the grass so I could feel again. I could breathe the crisp, cold air. I could feel the cold grass. Nature comforted me and I feel asleep right there. Fully alive.