The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

(I did not come up with this just found on internet)

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Made popular on: 
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:08pm


Thu, 05/05/2011 - 1:14am

Lmao thats so seems that everything is a dogs favorite thing to do...n I just started loling when I read "Day 983 of my captivity" good find bro lol

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:50pm
Wed, 06/01/2011 - 3:07am
robear9 Says:
Wed, 06/01/2011 - 6:52pm
Gogojr1 Says:
Wed, 06/01/2011 - 9:02pm
Thu, 06/02/2011 - 12:02am
weedijuana Says:
Thu, 06/02/2011 - 12:51am
Thu, 06/02/2011 - 1:37am
cellardoor Says:
Thu, 06/02/2011 - 2:04am
jb134906 Says:
Fri, 06/03/2011 - 2:05am
Gogojr1 Says:

i knew you guys would catch on.. haha nice!

Fri, 06/03/2011 - 6:34pm
Thu, 06/02/2011 - 11:31am
redeyes420 Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:32pm
NickGir Says:

i started laughing at the same thing haha

Wed, 06/01/2011 - 3:30pm
Kraytos Says:

i got awkward looks from people in class as i LOL'd reading this...

Mon, 06/06/2011 - 2:32am
baiaotou Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:31pm
HighGuy11 Says:

hahaha so funny dude thats so true! props if you made that up

Mon, 05/30/2011 - 3:34pm
Slugleigh Says:
Mon, 05/30/2011 - 3:36pm
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 3:25pm
rawrAHHH Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 4:54pm
Cron-Women Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 5:22pm
GoneAgain Says:

this is so underapreciated! it needs to be on the popular page!(: love it! hahaha

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 5:46pm
headbanger Says:

dudde wish i could upvote more :( good job

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 5:54pm

my dog is like a cat nigga, same chractiristics. Cats are the shit too though

Wed, 06/01/2011 - 2:25pm

hahahaha I definitely just read that in the "bitch I wanna sandwich and waffle fries FO' FREE" voice

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:10pm
manchester Says:

Why cats are better. Mine is named Zombie.

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:10pm
bowlin Says:

this was totally an email I got, like 2 years ago....

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:28pm

I know, and I put in the highdea a disclaimer that I found it on the internet. Thank though, troll.

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:12pm
Trippn Says:

Hahahahahahah totally worth the time haha lmao

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:12pm
FreeThinka Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:19pm

dude, u are an awesome writer! the cat kinda sounds like Stewie from Fam Guy. haha ;)

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:29pm

I wish I could claim credit but I found it on the interwebs

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:21pm
rawrAHHH Says:

"The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded."
My favorite part.

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:32pm
Hutch Says:

thank god for people like you. I laughed so hard at this i made my day that much better. Thanks man. Haaaahhaahhaa

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:33pm
Squilliam Says:

soon as i saw "cat diary Day 983 of My Captivity" I just bursted into laughter

Wed, 06/01/2011 - 1:59pm

same here man. ha I couldn't help it.

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:36pm
lolMarklol Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:45pm
MikeyXD Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 6:58pm
Ayottex18 Says:

This is amazing. Saw it on stumbleupon, which is awesome while baked.

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:03pm
calitoken Says:

Anyone else read the cat part in stewies voice?

Wed, 06/01/2011 - 1:18pm
LiveFreely Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:13pm
Garcheeto Says:

i laughed so hard i cried after reading day 983 of my captivity. ^^fuck ya i read it in stewie's voice

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:21pm
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:28pm
YouHighBro Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:37pm
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 7:48pm
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 8:00pm

"The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded."

Fucking win, haha

Tue, 05/31/2011 - 9:29pm
Jwats10 Says:
Tue, 05/31/2011 - 10:07pm
Apollo13 Says:

<3 forever for bringing this to my attention.

Wed, 06/01/2011 - 12:39am
tgrobot Says:

haha thats great!